Wash, Rinse and Do Not Repeat: Places You Should Never Go Twice

There are some mistakes you must make in your youth in order to become a better, wiser adult: bad relationships, bad fashion, bad jobs, bad roommates. Some mistakes you even need to make twice (see: sex with an ex, platform clogs). And then there are those you should learn from and never, ever repeat--like entering these bastions of bad decision-making.

At left: Me, losing the other half of my dignity at Slide. Photo courtesy of my so-called best friends.

Updated: August 19, 2010

Fool Me Twice, Shame on Me

Kells Irish Restaurant & Bar

530 Jackson St, San Francisco, CA 94133

When the motto is "Kells, where no one tells," it should come as no surprise that teenagers grinding their fake IDs against each other through the fabric of their thong-baring pants on the dance floor (not to mention liberating body fluids in dark corner booths) is commonplace. It's a novelty to go in once and look around, like an underage-drinking safari, but go twice and you should probably be nominated for a sting on "To Catch a Predator."

Gold Club

650 Howard St, San Francisco, CA 94105

There is an unequivocal allure about the Gold Club and, no, I'm not talking about the perkiest boobies in town (although that may also be true). I'm talking about the free Friday lunch buffet. As far as food that's prepared in close proximity to naked bodies goes, it's actually pretty damn good. Just the same, novelty and frugality were reasonable excuses for one visit, but any more and my mom's frequent accusations of my lesbianism will no longer be without merit. (Mom, if you're reading this--and I pray you are not--the above photo should squelch any of those lingering suspicions.)

Slide Lounge

430 Mason St, San Francisco, CA 94102

Whether you're a man or woman, gay or straight, chances are high you'll end the night at Slide with lipstick smeared all over your face. The first time I went to this place, I managed to lose an article of clothing, the contents of my wallet and a significant portion of my dignity. The remainder was lost the second time I went. Just don't do it.

Buca Di Beppo

855 Howard Street, San Francisco, CA 94103

Need a reminder of why you left whatever hell-hole small town you came from? Go here once. Need evidence of why you should probably move back? Go here twice. In a city packed with authentic, excellent Italian cuisine, it is an insult to the whole of SF's Italian-American population to patronize this generic sauce house--and an affront to your taste buds to do it twice.

Saloon, The

1232 Grant Ave, San Francisco, CA 94133

As the oldest bar in SF, the Saloon clings strongly to its Barbary Coast roots--and, by that, I mean it allows prostitutes to linger in the bathroom and the men who are interested in their services to skip the hassle of wearing clothes at all and just Hugh-Hef it in their bathrobes. This place is the definition of dirty. Even with that warning, the gotta-see-it-for-myself factor is powerful, I know. So, fine. Go once, wear closed-toed shoes and Purell the hell out of your hands (and maybe your mouth) when you exit.

Glass Kandi

569 Geary St, San Francisco, CA 94102

One visit to this high-end glass dildo shop you can disguise as a bachelorette-party shopping trip. Go twice and you're a sex-starved spinster. If you actually are a sex-starved spinster, they DO have a website. Have a little pride, ladies.