Top Five Things Not to Do in SF

Highly educated, progressive, and obnoxiously smug, we San Franciscans define ourselves not by what we do, but by what we don't. While the list of things we are too good/smart for could go on forever, here are five that sum us up pretty nicely.

Updated: September 18, 2008

Don't Own a Car

Don't Eat Fast

Slow Club

2501 Mariposa St, San Francisco, CA 94110

We all know not to eat fast food besides the occasional road-trip Double-Double, but all the good restaurants and chefs in San Francisco now cook with S.L.O. (sustainable, local, organic) ingredients, and you should, too. Back when ?organic? brought to mind Birkenstocks, VWs and B.O. everyone laughed at us, but now that we know processed food means muumuus, wheelchairs and type-2 diabetes, the slow-food movement is spreading across the country--fast.

Don't Drink Cosmos

Bourbon & Branch

501 Jones St, San Francisco, CA 94102

Or for that matter appletinis, vodka-Red Bulls or Long Islands, either. San Francisco is a drinking town--we apparently rank third in the nation in per capita consumption and know we can do better--but ordering "Sex and the City" or College Kid cocktails will earn you a good bartender's contempt along with a crappy drink. We sip creative, artisanal and classic cocktails made with high-quality spirits and house-made mixers by expert bartenders ... and apparently a lot of them.

Don't Be Uniform

Rag Residents Apparel Gllry

541 Octavia St, San Francisco, CA 94102

Mall-bought, chain-store clothing is designed for pimply suburban teenagers desperate for peer approval. In San Francisco, you'll need a mix of vintage classics, boutique labels and uncontrived style just to fit in; mass-produced, brand-name clothing will get you nothing but wedgies here.

Don't Go to Church

Mama's On Washington Square

1701 Stockton St, San Francisco, CA 94133

Take your hangover to brunch instead. San Francisco may not be a religious city, but our devotion to this Sunday ritual is fanatical. We pray (that there won't be a long wait), confess (last night's sins over eggs benny), beg for mercy (dude, this hangover is killing me) and, most importantly, worship our Savior (Mimosa and the Bloody Mary). Who says we're heathens?